Going Deep: A Gay Guide to Reality

“I blink, and you’re hooked up with someone!” My husband says with his testosterone-fueled competitive voice.

I get a wonderful turn-on when I see this side of my normally deferential, even-mannered, Vulcan-like boy. It’s dangerously delicious. His full 42-year-old, tall, masculine body radiates primal testosterone. Men turn me on, so seeing him charged with desire and vexed sexual frustration is intoxicating. It makes him sexually vibrant and desirable. I feel like a badass. And he confirms, with his horny, competitive frustration, that we’re still on the same page regarding our sexual desires and agreements.

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He’s an ambitious high achiever, a man who pursues measurable, quantifiable tools and protocols for reaching success. So my success, as he frames it, must be a simple matter of following some sort of playbook of which he is unaware.

He doesn’t want me to change my behavior. He doesn’t want me to stop hooking up. He just wants to be better at it than me.

So, for him and all the other high achievers out there looking to sharpen their “game,” here’s what I know. Your mileage may vary.

Hone your Battlefield Awareness.

That’s a term we used in my day job when I was a Special Events Coordinator for the City of West Hollywood. While babysitting gatherings like WeHo Gay Pride, Halloween, and the collection of Oscar Parties held by Elton John, Vanity Fair, and HBO (all on the same night), we needed to know where to focus our attention.

The same situational awareness translates into navigating crowded sexual playgrounds. It’s the ability to focus an endless aggregate of variables into a small, actionable list of choices.

As an aside, I am uneasy applying the term “Battlefield Awareness” to our sexual playgrounds because I want our unique spaces to be collaborative spiritual playgrounds. Not a place where there are winners and losers.

However, for the uninitiated, these gatherings may feel like battlegrounds because of incursions on their personal space, an internalized sex-negative worldview that says one sexual partner forever means “good” & many sexual partners mean “bad,” or the newness of the social sexual culture for which they have yet to find a vocabulary. And, although relatively rare (compared to the number of good players), we have bad players among us. For whatever reason, self-shame, a truly toxic “force it” idea of masculinity, or some other reason, they feel they need to grab what they want instead of negotiating it like a Sensitive Slut.

My husband’s remark got me reflecting on how I handle myself in social sexual environments.

What follows is a deconstruction of my modus operandi that has evolved over nearly four decades and countless visits to these places. The venues are public (buy a ticket) play parties, dance parties, kink events, and, to some degree, public hunting grounds designed for non-sexual purposes, like gym steam rooms, or the dick deck on a gay cruise.

Reconnoiter: Get the lay of the land.

Even when I’m familiar with a venue, I like to walk the perimeter to get a feel for how many rooms there are, how big they are, how they are set up, ingress and egress (getting in and out), and how they’re being used.

If it’s a new venue, I will do this before visiting the clothes check. I may not want to stay.

Guest inventory: Who’s there?

I put people into boxes. Yep. I make up stuff about the guys based on what I see and what my intuition tells me so that the mob is more comprehensible. A dozen categories are easier to organize in my head than 200 to 2,000 individuals.

Daddies, twinks, jacked muscle guys, athletic guys, porn stars, influencers, glitter divas, ethnic clumps, full fetish & gear guys, sexual tourists (new or non-identified with sexual spaces), it’s all about the music guys, look-at-me players, and mystery men.

Party favorites: Identify and name potential playmates.

During the reconnoiter, I mentally tag my favorites. These are guys I plan on cruising to determine if we are both on each other’s “yes” list. Nicknames are an easy and fun way to keep track of a few men in a sea of potential partners.

Bandana Boy, Trucker Jesus, Equinox Jesus, Brillo Boy, Slutty Swarthy Guys (couple), Black Ken, White Ken, Mr. Floppy, Almost Asian, Greyhound Boy, Gold Chain White Boy, Dog Catcher, Faded Dreds, Swarthy Baseball Hat, and Well-Preserved Daddy, are some of the monikers I’ve assigned.

With a clear vibe, guest, and fashion assessment, it’s easier to decide if I’m staying, if I’m going to dose, and if I’m wearing my booty shorts or going ass out right away.

Now, armed with information and dressed for success, it’s time to dive into the party.

Consent.

Consent can be sexy. It’s about getting to “yes.” It occurs when someone is actively encouraging what's being done to them as opposed to tolerating what’s being done to them.

Consent is not about manipulating men into play; it’s about finding guys who are a match.

We are all uniquely shaped puzzle pieces with grooves and nobby bits. Bottom, top, dom, sub, sides, switches, mild, wild, exhibitionist, demure, sober, rolling, etc. Finding a perfect fit that occurs when complementary contours smoothly snap into place is what it’s all about.

Find it; don’t force it.

These sexual spaces are open to everyone, but no one is required to hook up with anybody.

Sorting each other out requires communication (usually nonverbal) that involves asking and answering the question, “Would you like to get physical?” It’s a question appropriate for the venue. It’s not easy, but being able to give and receive “no” gracefully is key to setting a proper vibe that will move you toward a guy you really click with, and it keeps the play party playful.

As I said before, most of this communication is nonverbal. “No” or “not now,” may be a glance, having a back turned on you, or seeing them create distance from you. All ways to communicate, “no.”

If it reaches the touching stage, “no” is moving a hand away or hearing, “I’m good.”

Cruising: Making your move.

The following approach is appropriate in just about any circumstance and unlikely to offend most gay men who are not closeted.

In another post, I’ll go deeper into what I know about cruising more specific types of men, such as daddies, doms, subs, trophy boys, racially different guys, “I’m with my friends guys,” tall and short guys.

For now, here’s the one size that fits most.

THE HORSE APPROACH: This is especially good for super hot guys and guys unsure how to set their own boundaries (so they keep people at a distance).

I’m stealing most of this from Morgan Freeman. When pressed about his success with women, he made this horse analogy on CNN. Basically, you make it known you’re available and let them check you out.

These guys have a lot of experience having their boundaries ignored; they are unceremoniously touched, grabbed, and clothing tugged on; they have their conversations interrupted.

They respond well to respect.

These guys are usually in well-lit areas with room around them to move. If on a dance floor, they are often within a group of guys making a huddle designed to limit access.

DO NOT chase these guys. They don’t like surprises. Don’t stalk him from behind and grab him. Don’t jump in uninvited with your funny story. You’ll be on his “no” list for the rest of the night.

DO THIS:

Put yourself in his line of sight. If his back is to you, find a way to move around him so that he can see you from a comfortable distance.

From a comfortable distance, square off with him. This means facing him straight on. You’re face to face, chest to chest, crotch to crotch.

Let him make an assessment.

Body language that catches his attention is a confident, calm, often dude-like attitude.

See if he will move to the music with you. Move the way he’s moving. That creates rapport, a sense that you’re on the same wavelength.

See if his eyes meet yours. Maintain eye contact with an even, friendly, curious expression. See if his face is communicating anything with you.

Don’t make stuff up in your head.

Your gut will tell you if he’s interested. It may be a smile, a nod, or he might make it easy on you and move toward you.

The night my husband made his remark, I noticed one of the guys on my “yes” list, a swarthy baseball cap guy, was dancing near us as we chatted with friends. He was dancing with a guy, and we made eye contact. He seemed interested, so I moved closer, squaring off with him and seeing if he’d dance with me from a distance. About five feet.

He didn’t match my moves.

He moved closer to his dance partner but still looked at me. This told me, “not now.” So, I continued to enjoy time with my friends.

When I looked up and saw Swarthy Baseball Hat guy moving towards the dark room, I decided it was time to see what was happening in there.

Since I’d checked out the room before it got busy, I knew how to scan it for a fury-faced man in a baseball hat.

I found him sitting on a banquette, watching one guy receive a furious blow job from another. I got close, being sure not to crowd the scene. He looked up at me. I looked at him, at the action, and down at my crotch. He gave an affirming nod.

And that’s how the blink happened.

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