Feb 11 2024 12 mins
*please note, there is potentially triggering content with references to themes of suicide and emotional trauma in this article/email, which some individuals may find distressing. Please ensure that you feel safe to continue reading. If you recognise that you need support after reading this article, please reach out to someone that you trust. Mind are a great UK based support network for people experiencing mental health, as are NAMI, for my readers based in the US. If you're not sure where to start, you can also reach out to me via email [email protected] and I can help point you in the right direction. "These words on paper are an overflow of pure emotion, a mirror held up to the beautiful and perhaps less desirable parts of us. A candid expression of the human experience. This poetry tells a story that, as you read, you realise you have lived too. The writing invites reflection which we all need a little room for in our lives. Thank you, Emma, for your vulnerability." I received this quote from a dear friend, Sofia, as she read my book before I self-published. I loved it so much that I used it as the blurb. My intention for creating this mini-series for the next (probably) 4 weeks, reading a few poems from the book, is to invite you into your own exploration of what it means to be human. I'll read the poem, provide the context for it's creation and then share my own reflections on it as I read it years later. The questions I ask myself in this reflection are... 'how have I changed?' 'how am I still the same?' 'what is the wisdom I've gained?' I also invite you to share in the comments or by email [email protected] what the listening of this poem brought up for you. If you haven't already you can join us for this series by subscribing for free below. You'll also benefit from a growing space where I share weekly thoughts from my heart, meditations and more heart-opening poetry. My intention is to continue to expand this space in a way that nourishes the reader and listener, whilst following my own intuition on what feels good. I want this to be an environment where you feel no expectations to do anything, other than to feel what surfaces for you as you connect with the words that are shared.
Uncomfortably, Beautifully Human is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
I’ve captured the poem and my reflections below, which you can read if you prefer to engage with this content by reading over watching the video.
This feels so f*****g hard I feel all the pain in my heart I feel lost in the words in my mind created in a time when I could easily disguise Now it all comes to the surface I'm starting to regress to the part of my journey where I felt so lonely where I felt so lost Like I couldn't breathe Yes, I remember that version of me where running was all that she could do to survive Where hiding was all she could do to feel safe in this life to repress everything that suffocated her that cut her deep like a knife Where all those tears she had in her eyes And all she could do was pretend to be fine.
This poem is number 12 in my book 44: A Journey Through Poetry, which you can purchase here. As I read back this poem, I'm also going through this chapter and transition in my life now where there's this feeling of like, it's difficult. It's hard, but there's not that heaviness that I used to carry. So it's really a moment to see not only my growth, but also this compassion for the one, that version of myself that just was so, so lost and so, so afraid of everything and whatever would happen it would be this need to get away, to avoid, to run. At this phase, it feels more like a need to hold on tightly.
I must have wrote this 3/4 years ago, when I was reflecting on the version of myself aged 16-18. It’s funny now to read it back and see this pattern and how it has played out in different phases of my life. How sometimes it would be to run and other times to hold tightly.
I'm starting to regress to the part of my journey where I felt so lonely where I felt so lost
I think we can all relate to these lines. We have moments on our journey where we naturally return to old habits, behaviours and ways of being. I think what this is showing us is how that version of ourselves is still present within us, and is asking to receive space to be heard and compassion to feel loved, not by the things we were running away from or chasing after, but from ourselves.
Whilst I’ve been staying at my family home where I grew up, I’ve been focusing a lot on my inner child. The child that grew up here and, although had a good upbringing, felt really misunderstood, and emotionally suppressed. As I contemplate more on the line “I’m starting to regress to the part of my journey”, it’s a reminder that ways of being and behaviours from our past do resurface and asks the question, how can we open up with compassion to them when they do, instead of pushing them away? How is this inquiry actually a step forward, rather than a step backwards?
I called this poem '‘when it feels so f*****g hard’, and you’ll notice as you read my book, that a lot of the poems from this time include swear words. I liked to use them to express both frustration and excitement. I feel it keeps my work un-filtered, and in this particular poem, really emphasises my inner frustration.
I actually went back through my journals the other day, and came across one of the first ones I wrote in when I began obsessively journaling every detail of my life around 5 years ago (all destined to be another book one day) and this was what I read “spent a few days crying, exhausted - couldn’t get out of bed - sducidal thoughts”.
It was a huge moment of love to see how taking that time to invest in myself and how I see the world, has helped me grow so much and to see how writing was a huge catalyst for that. I’m someone who’s always questioning my intention and reflecting on how I show up in the world. I want to treat others how I’d wanted to be treated myself. In my opinion, this involves going into, as Carl Jung would say, my shadow and my unconscious patterns and thoughts. I identified a lot of those through the process of writing.
There’s definitely this archetype of the emotionally struggling writer or poet and we see this as a weakness. My invitation to anyone who does struggle emotionally, mentally or in life in general, is to see this as a source of empowerment. Use writing not only to capture how you’re feeling, but also as a way to witness yourself by reading what’s emerged onto the page. Get curious about what you’ve wrote. Ask questions about it. Explore where it’s coming from. This is a great tool for cultivating self-awareness, compassion and love. There’s a lot of emphasis around being the best version of ourselves but, through writing, I think we can learn to embrace the full continuum of being human, see the gifts in our challenges and find the tools that most support us to participate and navigate this experience.
As I read the last lines of this poem again
where all those tears she had in her eyes and all she could do was pretend to be fine
I felt reminded of another one of my intentions with poetry, to show people you’re not alone, to open up a discussion around topics we struggle to speak about. Topics that bring up shame and fears of rejection. Everything I do holds the intention to create space for people to be fully seen, heard and understood in all that they are.
I’d love for you to share what came up for you as you listened/read. As I’ve learnt with poetry, the poet writes about their experiences or experiences they observe, but the reader receives what they need to through the reading or listening of those words. To me, 44: A Journey Through Poetry, really captured the poems from my younger years, and invites you to explore and reflect on your own (I actually include journaling pages in the book for you to do this).
I’ll be reading more poems from my book each Sunday morning with you and I do hope you’ll join me and connect with us in the comments and in our chat to speak about what each poem brings up for you. Vulnerability with ourselves and one another is, in my opinion, one of the things that truly help us grow and connect.
with love,
Emma
Get full access to Uncomfortably, Beautifully Human at uncomfortablybeautifullyhuman.substack.com/subscribe