Coach Lee

How to Set Up the Situation for Your Ex to Reach Out First

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Breakups can be tough, but many people find themselves searching for ways to get their ex to reach out first. While it’s not about “making” your ex contact you in a manipulative sense, there are ways to set the stage that encourage them to reconnect. Let’s dive into a few strategies to make this more likely.

1. Use the Zeigarnik Effect: Leave Them Wanting More

One psychological principle that can help in this situation is the Zeigarnik Effect. This concept refers to the mental preoccupation that occurs when something feels unfinished. The idea is simple: leave your ex with a sense of "unfinished business." When interacting with your ex—whether they reach out first or you meet up after the breakup—the goal is to create a positive experience and then leave at the high point.

For example, if you meet for coffee, focus on being playful, having a great conversation, and creating a fun environment. But instead of letting the meeting drag on for hours, you need to end it while it’s still enjoyable. After about 45 minutes to an hour, say, “It’s been great seeing you, but I have to get going.” This leaves your ex wanting more and leaves the door open for them to initiate contact later.

It’s tough to do because in the moment, you’ll feel like you’re making progress and will want to stay longer. But leaving them with that feeling of wanting more keeps you in their mind, creating the "unfinished business" that can lead to them reaching out first.

2. Create Mystery

Another way to encourage your ex to reach out is by creating a sense of mystery. If your ex can see your social media or hears about you through mutual friends, keep details vague. Share a bit about what you’re up to, but don’t give away everything. If you went somewhere fun or had a great experience, mention it, but don’t go into full detail. Leave loose ends in your stories, making your ex curious about what you’re doing and what’s going on in your life.

This mystery builds up in their mind and leads to them thinking about you more often. When they can’t piece everything together, it becomes an itch they feel the need to scratch—sometimes leading to a text or call.

3. Focus on a New Passion

One of the most effective things you can do post-breakup is to choose a new focal point in your life. This could be a hobby, career goal, fitness journey, or any other passion that captures your attention. Not only is it healthy for you to focus on something positive, but it also signals to your ex that your life doesn’t revolve around them anymore.

When you focus on something other than your ex, it sends a powerful message. It shows that you have your own interests, that you’re moving forward with or without them, and that your life is still exciting. This can be surprisingly attractive. Your ex might feel intrigued by the change, curious about your new passion, and wonder why they’re no longer the center of your world.

4. Cut Them Off

This step can be difficult, but sometimes it’s necessary to cut your ex off—especially if you’ve been offering financial support or access to things like shared services or GPS tracking apps. Once they’ve broken up with you, they no longer have the privilege of being in your life in the same way. By cutting them off, you communicate that you respect yourself and won’t be taken advantage of.

Not only does this create space between you and your ex, but it can also make them realize what they’ve lost. When you cut off certain privileges or financial support, your ex may come to appreciate the stability you once offered. It forces them to confront the reality of being without you.

5. Commit to No Contact

You’ve probably heard of the No Contact Rule, but its power lies in true commitment. This means no reaching out for any reason—not for apologies, not for their stuff, and not to check in on them. If they need something, let them reach out to you.

Often, people want to apologize for how they acted during the breakup, especially if they begged or pleaded. But continually apologizing can make you seem weak, and your ex might even become frustrated with it. Instead, stick to the no contact rule and let your ex feel the consequences of their decision. The absence will speak louder than words, and it will give them space to miss you.

6. Project Strength, Not Pain

One of the most challenging yet crucial steps is to appear pain-free to your ex. Whether through social media or mutual friends, your ex will likely hear how you’re doing. If they see or hear that you’re struggling, it could push them further away. Pain can feel like a burden, and they may start to feel relief at the breakup, believing they’ve avoided being dragged into your emotional turmoil.

Instead, project strength and happiness. This isn’t about denying your feelings but about controlling the image you project. When your ex sees or hears that you’re doing well, they may feel surprised and even question their decision. Your strength and positivity can reignite their interest in you, leading to them reaching out.

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Conclusion

By applying these strategies—leaving your ex wanting more, creating mystery, focusing on a passion, cutting them off, committing to no contact, and projecting strength—you set up a scenario where your ex is more likely to reach out to you first. Remember, it’s not about manipulation. These steps help you regain your confidence, live a fulfilling life, and, in many cases, prompt your ex to realize what they’ve lost.