Feb 28 2025 12 mins 1
Your ex may seem unaffected by the breakup, but that’s likely not the full story. There are several reasons why they appear to feel nothing—at least, for now.
Get Coach Lee's $7 "Reunion Blueprint" at https://ReunionBlueprint.com.
If you are in a troubled marriage, get Coach Lee's FREE mini-course on saving your marriage at https://MarriageRadio.com/marriagehelp
1. Dopamine and the Relief Stage
When your ex decided to break up, their brain rewarded them with dopamine, the same chemical that gives a sense of satisfaction when completing difficult tasks. Since breaking up is tough, their brain gives them a sense of relief, making them feel like they’ve “escaped” something they had been struggling with for a while. Even if they later regret the breakup, at the moment, they feel good because the breakup is no longer something they are dreading. This initial relief can make it seem like they feel nothing, but it's just the temporary high of crossing a difficult task off their mental to-do list.
2. No Emotional Consequences Yet
Your ex has not yet had time to fully experience your absence. The human brain assumes that familiar people will always be around, so in the early stages after a breakup, they don’t feel like they’ve lost you permanently. If you keep reaching out, they won’t feel any real emotional consequences. They won’t miss you because they still believe you are an option. In order for them to feel your absence, you must stop contacting them and allow reality to set in.
3. They Consider You a Perpetual Option
If your ex hasn’t experienced you truly being gone, they don’t believe they’ve lost you. Many people make the mistake of keeping communication open, thinking it will help rebuild the relationship, but in reality, it only reinforces the breakup. By remaining in their life, you make it easier for them to move on, because nothing feels different. The best way to make them reconsider is to actually walk away and let them realize what life is like without you.
4. They Are Rewriting the Relationship
To justify the breakup, your ex may distort their memories of the relationship, making you seem worse than you were. They may label you as toxic, controlling, or even call you a narcissist, not necessarily because they believe it, but because they need a logical reason to explain the breakup to themselves and others. However, over time, their brain will naturally forget the negatives and remember the positives more clearly. This psychological process, known as the fading effect bias, often leads people to regret their decisions.
5. They Feel Something, But They Won’t Show It
Your ex may be feeling emotions but doesn’t want to admit it. Reaching out after a breakup can feel embarrassing, so instead, they look for an excuse to reconnect subtly. They may start small, sending a casual message, hoping you’ll take the lead. Some people struggle with accountability and want the other person to be the one to initiate getting back together.
Final Thoughts
The best way to handle this situation is to stay away. Let your ex go through the natural stages of post-breakup emotions. As the dopamine fades and they experience your absence, they may start to miss you. If you continue to reach out, you only delay this process. Instead, give them the breakup they wanted—so they can truly feel what life is like without you.
Get Coach Lee's $7 "Reunion Blueprint" at https://ReunionBlueprint.com.
If you are in a troubled marriage, get Coach Lee's FREE mini-course on saving your marriage at https://MarriageRadio.com/marriagehelp
