Coach Lee

No Contact: Now What?

When going through a breakup, many people understand the importance of giving space, or as I call it, going "no contact." However, once you're in no contact, the question becomes, now what? In this article, I’ll help guide you through the next steps, whether or not your ex decides to reach out.

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1. When Your Ex Reaches Out

The biggest question I hear is, What should I do if my ex contacts me? This is a pivotal moment, as it usually indicates they're feeling unsure about the breakup. They may be open to reconnecting but are likely still on the fence. Here’s how to handle it:

Stay Calm and Avoid Pressure:

When your ex reaches out, do your best to remain calm. Avoid pressuring them, both emotionally and in conversation. It’s normal to feel excited, but expressing too much eagerness could overwhelm them or make them feel obligated. Instead, keep things light and casual.

Avoid Emotional Conversations:

Try to steer clear of heavy discussions about the breakup, especially in the first interaction. They know you’re not together, and reminding them of it can trigger feelings of guilt or discomfort. If they ask how you’re doing, keep your response light. “I’ve been alright, and things are getting better,” is often enough. Changing the subject after this brief response can keep the interaction positive.

Prepare a List of Neutral Topics:

It’s a good idea to pre-plan some questions or topics to discuss that don’t involve the breakup. Having a few in mind will help you keep the conversation smooth and reduce the risk of an emotional slip-up.

2. Create Opportunities for Face-to-Face Interaction

Once you've reestablished contact, aim for a face-to-face meeting if it feels natural. The goal is not to pressure them into this, but to look for subtle cues that suggest they might be open to meeting. Here’s how to go about it:

Gauge Their Openness:

If your ex hints at a get-together or seems receptive, you can test the waters with a light suggestion like, “Maybe we can grab coffee sometime to catch up.” If they’re interested, they’ll respond positively. If they hesitate, back off and give them space.

Keep it Short and Leave Them Wanting More:

When you do meet, make sure to end things on a high note. Keep the meeting to around 45 minutes to an hour. Leave while the interaction is still enjoyable, so they walk away wishing it had lasted longer. This helps create a positive memory of the interaction, encouraging them to reach out again.

3. What to Do if Your Ex Does Not Reach Out

If weeks or even months pass and your ex doesn’t reach out, you’ll need to make a decision. Many people find this silence difficult, but it can also serve as a valuable indicator of your ex’s level of interest.

Consider Their Level of Investment:

Ask yourself: Is this person showing the qualities of a committed partner? If someone truly cares, they will likely reach out within a reasonable period of time. If they don't, consider what that says about their willingness to invest in a relationship with you.

Decide Whether to Reach Out for Closure:

Some people feel they need to reach out for closure. If that’s the case, keep your message simple, such as, “I hope you’re doing well.” A statement like this doesn’t apply any pressure for them to respond. If they reply, you can take the conversation further. If they don’t, you have a clear answer and may find it easier to move on.

Weighing Your Options:

Long periods of no contact can be revealing. If you’re nearing several months or even a year without hearing from them, it’s important to consider whether they’re truly the right person for you. Relationships should involve mutual investment, and if they’re comfortable without any contact, you might be better off moving forward.

4. Building the Face-to-Face Connection

In some cases, getting to a face-to-face meeting after your ex has reestablished contact can be a powerful step toward reconciliation. If you find yourself in this situation, treat the interaction as if it were a first date.

Focus on Positive, Shared Memories:

Talk about lighthearted memories or inside jokes. Remind them, subtly, of the good times. Don’t bring up relationship issues or anything too intense. Instead, focus on rekindling the positive aspects that made your relationship enjoyable.

End on a High Note:

When the meeting is going well, cut it short before it reaches a natural end. You might say, “I have an appointment, so I need to head out, but this was great.” If they walk away wishing the meeting had lasted longer, they’re more likely to want to see you again.

5. When It's Time to Move On

Not every relationship will come back together, and sometimes, no contact can help clarify whether this person is truly right for you. If they’re unwilling to reconnect after a long period of time, or if they don’t show signs of commitment, it may be time to consider moving on.

Focus on Yourself:

If it becomes clear they’re not reaching out or open to reconciliation, shift your focus to yourself and your own growth. Finding someone who values commitment and understands the normal ebb and flow of relationships can bring you more stability and happiness in the long run.

The Power of No Contact for You, Too:

No contact isn’t just a tool to bring your ex back. It’s also a chance for you to assess whether they’re a suitable partner. If they truly care, they’ll reach out. If they don’t, you’ve saved yourself further heartache and opened the door for a healthier, more committed relationship down the road.

In the end, whether or not your ex reaches out, no contact can be a powerful experience that helps you gain clarity and emotional resilience. By following these principles, you’re giving yourself the best chance for healing and, if it’s meant to be, reconciliation. Remember that a lasting relationship involves more than initial passion—it requires a willingness to work through the ups and downs together.

Get Coach Lee's Emergency Breakup Kit at https://MyExBackCoach.com/emergency-breakup-kit