Oct 06 2024 27 mins
How do we inspire our kids to empathize when, on the surface, they act like they don’t care? Is it a defense mechanism, an indicator, or something more? In this podcast, we explore ideas and tips that work.
Inspire Kids to Empathize ~ Episode 537
This is the fifth episode in our Inspire Kids Series! Thanks for listening, and I pray they have been a blessing to you and your family. Sometimes, it is hard to discern what our kids think. In fact, we may be puzzled by their actions because we know they can do so much better. I recently came across a post on Facebook that caused me to pause, not only because of all of the responses but because of the answers given by well-meaning parents. The answer was glaring and evident, but I am a mother of five, now adults, and a grandmother of nine. I have a background in education and love to interact with children because they are amazing. I love kids. I knew the answer (or what I think is the answer), but I read through response after response, giving advice on fixing the problem.
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The question was couched in this way: A mother found a ketchup bottle on the ground, the top popped up, and the ketchup dripped out in a pool. One of the children had done this, but none admitted guilt. None of the other siblings had picked up the bottle. She asked what the “heart issue” was in a child who had done this in the first place. Think about your answer. Pause this recording if you want more time.
The answers were a variation of the following:
- Punish the children with no more ketchup for a time.
- Punish the children by taking something away (something fun).
- Make the kids pay for the ketchup.
- Find out who did it and punish that child.
- Make the kids clean up for a period of time.
Teaching Kids To Empathize and Realize Guilt
There are many issues here. Obviously, the kids ate and cleaned up (good job!), but it was without Mom around, or perhaps Mom was starting to put away food in the other room. We, as parents, can’t police our kids every second, and taking responsibility for cleaning up is great. So good job, Mom!
Secondly, maybe someone saw this incident and did nothing about it, but ultimately, the fault is on the child who dropped the ketchup trying to carry too many things at once.
I was thinking about this and how I would answer the question (I didn’t post a response, in case you are wondering). While punishments, cleaning up, and all of those things are possible options, they didn’t address what the mom asked. She asked about the heart and wisely knew that punishments solve part of the problem. Maybe.
I considered many different character flaws, but two that stuck out were gratitude and empathy. The lack of gratitude is stunning, and the lack of empathy is equally stunning.
- Gratitude: gratitude for the family’s providing for the needs of all and recognizing this as a gift.
- Empathy: a sense of feeling compassion for the family members and helping each other when needed, but appreciating that while it may or may not be our fault, we can help because that is what we should do.
- Empathy means caring about another person, in this case, Mom and Dad, who purchased the ketchup.
Thanks to NOW Programs, this evidence-based program helps students learn differences.
So, how do you resolve the issue of a child’s lack of empathy? Can you make someone empathize? The issue can be resolved in as varied a way as the responses on that social media post! However, the crux of the issue is understanding family dynamics and how they work.
In our homes, we assume everyone is on the same page and has the same level of understanding. This simple example, the ketchup on the ground, illustrates that no, kids just don’t understand all it took to get that bottle on the table in the first place. It also illustrates the lack of understanding of the value of food. Recently, there was a dock workers strike, and everyone predicted sky-high prices, supply chain breakdown, and more. Viewers were told that Christmas presents might not arrive in time. Thankfully, with the media coverage, the strike was partially resolved until January. The date almost coincides with a new administration coming into office.
But truthfully, it might take a dock workers strike to allow all of us to see that we should be grateful for what we have, appreciate the little things, and buy American products whenever necessary. Yes, I know some things are only provided through overseas trade, yet you understand what I’m trying to illustrate here.
To appreciate necessities, you must not have them. How many people in large cities do not have transportation and rely on mass transit? Possibly, some of you are listening. How many people work at thankless jobs and are not appreciated? The majority.
Having the gift of empathy allows a person to see the other person’s point of view. Does it mean we totally agree? No, but it does give us some insight into how to best express our thoughts without the discussion devolving into insults.
Use the ketchup example with your children and ask them how they would handle it if they were parents. Typically, children have much harsher ideas of punishment than their parents. But use this as a springboard to explain the underlying cause.
- Disregard for an item some people in the family use.
- Lack of caring (empathy) that the ketchup could have been wasted.
- Lack of taking the initiative or responsibility as a member of the family. In this case, the action is to pick up the bottle, clean it off, and put it away. Then, cleaning up the mess.
The best way to teach empathy and gratitude is by example. Did this mother “flip out” when her kids did something wrong, spilled a drink at dinner, or caused another mess? Perhaps the kids didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to be harshly punished.
That does not preclude the child from taking responsibility for doing the wrong thing – the child did, and was careless in his disregard for leaving it there, but the question is why?
Explain the reason you are upset. As parents, it is important that our children understand justified anger or punishments. When I asked my children, “Do you know why I am angry?” or “Do you know why you are in trouble?” The answer was no!
Show your child how to empathize. One way is when another child in the family is hurt. Laughing was never tolerated at my home, and the punishment was harsh, even if it did not always deter the laughter. The child who laughed was often made to do something kind for the other; however, if the child hurt stuck out his tongue, it was rescinded.
Long lectures only go so far, most of the time the kids tune you out. That is why I use questioning as a teaching tool.
- How could this issue be resolved?
- Can we have a safe zone where messes can be reported without harsh punishments?
- Would the offending child picking up the mess count for restitution?
- Ask, “What is restitution?
If your home is like mine, you teach by demonstrating those moments that come up constantly—even if you don’t have time to deal with them! One of the best ways I’ve taught my child empathy is through a series of gatherings that we have on occasion (depending on the need), where we do an activity.
- Random drawing of a sibling’s or parent’s name to pray for them.
- The person is asked for a prayer need, which can be private.
- The child prays for this person daily.
I learned it is difficult to have animosity toward a person that I pray for daily, even if I don’t want to pray, and yet it softens our hearts.
I hope this has helped. Consider using stories like the “ketchup story” with your children to teach deeper lessons.
Five Part Series
- Inspire Kids to Listen
- Inspire Kids to Learn
- Inspire Kids to Cooperate
- Inspire Kids to Succeed
- Inspire Kids to Empathize (this podcast)
- Inspire Kids ~ Self Awareness
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