Feb 23 2025 21 mins
There are many different parenting philosophies, but what about parenting that works? One of the largest categories in the online bookstore space is how to parent. In this podcast, we discuss how you can figure out what works.
Parenting That Works ~ Episode 550
If you can parent well, your family will enjoy peace and a wonderful life. How do you parent, and does it work? If so, please share your tips with me. My parenting has been up and down. Some things work well, and others do not. Good parenting requires stability in your marriage. That is a good place to start; work with your spouse and ensure you are on the same page.
Years ago, I read a book on parenting that had only about 25 pages. It talked about focusing on the child in a way that resonated with me. I will share this simple technique with you later, but it needs a strong foundation for this approach to work.
Parenting requires a balanced approach, but one of the most important things is ensuring your children know you love them. After disciplining your child, ask, “Do you think I love you?” You might be surprised at what they say. I was shocked when one of my children said, “No!” and began to cry. My child is the norm. Many children think discipline equals being mean. It’s not if it is done with love. If you parent out of anger and lose control, that is a separate thing altogether. Parenting is keeping peace in the home.
How do you parent currently?
- How will you discipline? Time out? Corporal?
- Do you parent in anger?
- Do you model good behavior or one that you expect?
- Do you encourage communication?
My list of dos and don’ts would be the following: Never parent in anger – take a time out yourself. I’ve had to do this more times than most, and I attribute it to my Italian heritage, but it is no excuse. Do model the behavior you expect. And encourage open communication. My daughter, God bless her, and she listens to every complaint. She is a saint, and I was not that type of parent. If you are blessings to you as well. The last is a pet peeve: No character assassination. You are stupid, or an idiot, or worse, is not allowed by anyone at any time. Stupid was a bad word when I was growing up, and I continued the trend in my home.
Why do you discipline your children? Think about this.
- To encourage good behavior.
- To correct misbehavior.
- To keep your child from harming others.
- To teach self-control.
- To encourage open communication.
Contrary to what your child might believe, good discipline makes children happier. Your entire family will greatly benefit if your children understand what is required. I’ve shared this story before, but it bears sharing again. Why were my little children model angels when we went shopping? (Story shared online.)
Synopsis:
- I explained the situation.
- I gave them an option of where to place their hands.
- I permitted them to touch items only if they asked first.
- I explained the consequences.
- I asked them to tell me what was expected.
Did I have to do this every time? Depending on their age, we skipped to #5 as they were older. Remember the child’s age; this matters in what we expect them to do. If a child is too little, they are held or put in the stroller and must stay put. If they can not listen, they lose the privilege of going to the store.
The primary reason that children do not listen to one parent or the other is because you are not on the same page. As my husband says, I have many words, and those words often are to make my children understand the why behind what I expect. My husband used fewer words and made a bigger impact on our kids. However, he was way more permissive than I was with the kids. One reason is that I was homeschooling the children with them 24/7, and he saw them after work. And on weekends. He missed the kids and, therefore, had more leniency. We had a date night (often) to get back on the same page with our discipline requirements, or we were contradicting each other. Kids use this to their advantage, and that is one thing that we nipped in the bud.
Parenting works if you tell your children you love them and are consistent. If I had to pick one thing, it would be consistency. Kids are gamblers, as my husband puts it, and they will take a chance that you won’t follow through that one time. When your kids are older, pick your battles. Is blue hair okay for some time, or is it okay to dress like you are homeless? My kids were all athletes, and their dress was pretty consistent over the years, but dressing up for the boys consisted of nice jeans or khaki pants. Think about what is important to you before it happens. Every infraction can not be a hill to die upon when they are teens. Communication matters the most as they get older.
As a parent, do you encourage or praise your children? Do you expect self-control? Do you allow your child to bite or hit? Again, each parent is different, but allowing misbehavior at home only becomes amplified when you socialize with other children.
Play-acting is one way to teach good behavior before an event happens. My Character planners have an excellent section on acting (or writing) out answers to scenarios that can happen and prepare for them. For example, your child is at a friend’s house watching an inappropriate movie. What does your child do? (Character Planners here and here)
Simplified Parenting That Works
As promised, I’ll share with you the three stages of parenting that work in its simplified version based on the book I read many years ago. (Explained in detail on air.)
- Take your child somewhere private. (Take a big sigh–this signifies you are about to begin)
- Maintain eye contact.
- Explain your love. “I love you and want what is best for you…”
- Address the issue only with the preface. “I am very disappointed to see that…”
- Explain what you witnessed (…your brother was punched and then tripped. I am upset that your brother is hurt, and I am disappointed.
- As you discuss the infraction with the child, maintain eye contact and watch your child’s face. Is your child still stoic and self-righteous?
- Try to continue the “I feel” instead of YOU DID.
- “I love you, and I know you can do better than that. I know you can use your self-control instead of hitting or punching or tripping. Getting upset is normal, but hurting other people is not allowed.”
- Are you ready to ask forgiveness from your brother and the entire family?
- Hug the child and give forgiveness.
If this makes sense, use this or parts of this method, or make it your own.
Friends, in the end, we want healthy and happy children who grow up to love and serve the Lord and, in many cases, grow up to be wonderful adults. Our involvement is time with our children, and that can never be taken away from us, and it is one of our biggest accomplishments. Do you have a discipline technique that works? Share it with us on the show notes on the website at VintageHomeschoolMoms.com episode 550.
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