Mar 02 2025 17 mins
No one has time to discipline, but it is the most important thing you can do for peace within your family. One Minute Discipline will change your life.
One Minute Discipline ~ 551
*In last week’s podcast episode 550, I gave a thumbnail sketch of this method, and today I want to give you a more thorough step-by-step on the process of the one-minute discipline or scolding method.
Long ago, I read a book that revolutionized my parenting. I was inconsistent in my approach. One time I was very strict, and the other, I was too lazy to get up to enforce my request. I would do what I called count-down discipline. You know, you make a demand and then say, “I’m going to count to ten, and you better do it by then!” Typically, my kids would wait until I was at the number nine and ready to get up before stopping whatever they were doing.
It was frustrating and annoying, and I often lost my temper.
Let’s face it: we all want kids who listen, and we don’t always have the time or the patience to follow through. I spoke to a friend of mine who was a long-time preschool teacher, and she asked me if I had read the book, “The One-Minute Scolding” by Gerald E. Nelson, MD. I had not, and she lent me a copy of her book.
Thanks to our sponsor, NowProgram!
This small book, around 100 pages, is currently out of print, but it was the lifeline I needed. It talked about good discipline, why kids do what they do (their “ploy,” as the book puts it), and while love and the best of intentions are not enough for us to follow through. If you can get a copy of this book, I recommend it, especially if you struggle with keeping your anger under wraps and getting to the crux of the issue.
This book shaped my attitude toward parenting in that I realized that I needed to address the infraction without wounding my child. It was love the sinner and hate the sin mentality of Christianity in play. We often lash out in anger, which can be more damaging than an actual spanking. My consistent message for all parents is to forgive and move on. Our kids don’t necessarily want to make our lives miserable any more than we want to make them miserable—a common fallacy on both sides.
The idea of the book is to address the infraction, discipline (or scold) the child within a minute, and be done. Believe me, one minute is enough time to use this method.
Be sure to take the child to somewhere quiet and not around giggling or disruptive children. If your child is small or young, you can place them on your lap. They don’t have to look at you, and with some children, I required it and others I did not. (Know your kids.) With an older child, I would hold on to his arm or touch him in some way, no squeezing! Touch is an integral part of this method.
One Minute Discipline Explained.
In a nutshell, the scolding part is broken up into five segments.
- Scolding the behavior
- A moment of transition
- Positive reaffirmation of the child’s worth
- A quiz
- A hug
Example: You discipline the child using controlled anger, limiting your discourse to what happened. No name-calling or other character assassination. You keep it to 30 seconds or less for younger children. You can stop when your child expresses sorrow or remorse.
30-Second Discipline:
Alex! I’m very angry that you hit your brother. We don’t hit in this house, and you have been told this before. It makes me really angry that you hurt your brother. I do not want you to do this again, and that is not the way you should act or behave. Even if you are angry, hitting is not the answer. It makes me angry, hurts him, and solves nothing. It just makes your actions really wrong…
You take a pause, a deep breath, and now change tactics. Basically, it is an abrupt departure from the anger you just exhibited. This may throw the child off guard, and it should, but your child should be attentive at this point. It is now time to be positive and encouraging and to let your child know that you love them and expect better behavior.
20-Second Affirmation
I love you so much, Alex, and I want what is best for you. I know you can be a good boy. I want to be a good mother, so every time you do the wrong thing, I will scold you so that you do not forget and you learn not to hit. I’ll keep reminding you until you learn to be a good brother. You must understand that you should be kind to your brother. If you have any problems, you can always come to me for help.
10-Second Quiz
The quiz section:
Why am I upset (or scolding) you?
Answer: “Because I hit my brother.”
“Excellent! That is correct. And why will you get in trouble each time you make a bad mistake?”
“Because I am not supposed to hit my brother.”
“Wonderful! And because I love you very much and know you can do better. What are you supposed todo when you feel angry with your brother?”
“Come to you for help if I need it.”
That’s right.
At this point, you hug your child and allow them to hug you back. It ends here.
The book doesn’t suggest this, but in our home, I highly encouraged our children to make up; the child who hit needed to ask the other child for forgiveness. (I’m sorry wasn’t enough.) This was something we taught our child that if someone was hurt or maligned in some way, the offending child needed to ask for forgiveness.
The Lord’s prayer taught us to “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
I didn’t want my children to hold grudges or be upset with each other long-term. What seemed to happen is that certain children would fight because of unforgiveness, and it often escalated.
Why The One Minute (Scolding) Discipline Works
For one thing, you allow your children to feel loved and affirmed even if you are pointing out the infraction and dealing with it. The process takes longer for some children, but your child will have a sense that you care and are not sending them away or detaching from them if they are angry. Things like “time out” or going to your room only encourage the child to be isolated. The child isn’t made to realize that the issue is not one-sided or everyone else fault. (Recount personal childhood story.)
Secondly, it works because you are consistent and repetitive. You have an action plan. You know what to do, and your child knows what to expect. It takes longer for some children than for others. Yet, if you are consistent, this method works even with teens.
Third, it is short. You are not ranting for hours or angry for days. The issue is dealt with, the situation is handled, and the child knows that if there is a next time, it will be more of the same.
Fourth: You are dealing with the issue of today. You are not rehashing…”You always, or last week you did…” Just focus on the now.
Fifth: The child will know that he can trust you and, above all, he is loved and appreciated and that you want the best for them. In this way, they are encouraged that you are there to help them stay on the right path. Best of all, it often takes just a look when the child gets angry, and they know that hitting (etc.) is unacceptable.
What I like best is that it is immediate and it is over. Yes, some children had to be scolded more than one time each day, but they really disliked the first 30 seconds so rarely was the same child disciplined twice in one day.
I didn’t have to use this method long with some children. One of my children, after being spanked (before this method), stated, “That really hurt! I am not doing that again!” This same child quickly learned he disliked the scolding part, and a quick look or stern shake of my head was all that was needed.
Try it, and let me know what you think! I’m excited to share this method with you and pray it is helpful.
The post One Minute Discipline appeared first on Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network.