Mar 21 2025 28 mins 23
When children need to talk, they'll give subtle clues that most parents miss completely. Recognising these moments and responding with actual listening—not advice, stories, or solutions—creates connections that last decades. The secret? Summarise what they say instead of steering the conversation. Most children never reveal their real issue first, which means parents who jump in with solutions are missing what their children truly need: to be understood.
Quote of the Episode:
"Understanding is the deepest hunger of the human heart." - Stephen Covey (quoted by Ross Judd)
Key Points:
- Children rarely reveal their real issue first—they test the waters with a "safe" topic before sharing what's really bothering them.
- Look for unusual behaviour or emotional signals that indicate your child needs to talk.
- Taking control of the conversation prevents your child from getting to the deeper issue.
- The art of summarising (repeating back what your child has said) is the key to effective listening.
- Our brains think 10 times faster than people speak, making it incredibly difficult to truly listen.
- Deep listening isn't something you need to do all the time—just recognise the important moments.
- Children often already have the answers to their problems; they just need someone to listen.
- Use neutral phrases like "tell me more" to encourage continued sharing.
- Don't change the direction of the conversation with questions that steer it elsewhere.
- Effective listening involves "taking the ride, not the wheel"—let your child drive the conversation.
Resources Mentioned:
- "Listening: A Guide to Building Deeper Connections" by Ross Judd
- "Miss Connection: Why Your Teenage Daughter Hates You, Expects the World, and Needs to Talk" by Dr. Justin Coulson
- Stephen Covey's concept of "faithful translation" (active listening technique)
- Happy Families
Action Steps for Parents:
- Recognise special moments when your child is seeking connection (unusual behaviour, lingering in doorways, emotional signals).
- When these moments occur, stop everything, engage fully, and put away distractions.
- Use neutral phrases like "tell me more" instead of asking directive questions.
- Practise summarising what your child says without adding your own input.
- Remember that the real issue usually comes second—be patient and don't try to solve the first problem they mention.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
