Dec 01 2019 13 mins 2
I can’t keep going like this.
Darcy caught me.
I had been looking at inappropriate pictures on my company laptop when she thought every thing with my pornography problem was behind us.
We were suffering through a really difficult miscarriage and I was turning back to the old things that made me feel better whenever I was feeling less than good.
She was furious.
She threw that laptop down the stairs, along with some laundry detergent and my dignity.
I was caught.
Being caught is a terrible place to be.
There is not a thing that you can say that really makes it better.
There is not a thing that you can do to make the other person trust you again in that moment.
It is the point where you feel your absolute worst while someone stares at you feeling your absolute worst.
It is the dream where you find yourself standing in front of the entire class in your underwear, except you are in real life feeling just as exposed and the other person hates you for it.
This was the moment that I broke my wife. The woman who had, up to this point seen me as an amazing husband.
When she tells this story, she talks about me being the guy that our friends would tease because I was always up, changing diapers, putting kids to bed and helping with the babies.
I think I am that guy, in part because of my pornography problem.
I think I am that guy because, at least in some way, I am trying to make up for being rotten and broken on the inside, so I make myself look awesome and helpful on the outside. At least to my wife.
At least until I got caught.
What is terrible, is that getting caught in this moment was not the moment that I can tell you that I changed and started getting better.
This was not that moment.
This was a moment that made me get worse.
This was the moment that made me turn inward and become more sneaky. Made me stop allowing my wife to see the real me.
I stopped sharing Zach Spafford, vulnerable, loving husband. I started being a character in my own marriage.
I became a guy that never failed at anything.
I would mess up at work. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
I would mess up with pornography. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
I would be stressed. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
I would be depressed. I wouldn’t tell my wife.
That moment was the moment I turned inward. I became a perfect guy outside as best I could so that she wouldn’t have to deal with my weakness because she couldn’t handle it.
I’m not proud of it. But it happened.
This is true for so many people that I work with.
What if my spouse is never going to be ready to forgive me and be my partner again in every way?
The truth is, you need to be honest with your spouse. Not because your spouse deserves your honesty, although there is an argument to be made there.
Telling the truth is about being the person you want to be.
Building the person you want to be is about being conscientious about behavior that brings us down, and tears down our sense of the greatness we have within.
So, I want to talk about building you.
This is the topic of today.
I told that story because I didn’t get that I wasn’t becoming someone. I was building someone.
Tony robbins has a documentary on Netflix called “I’m not your Guru”. There is a lot of swearing.
Near the end he says something that struck me deeply, he said, “I constructed Tony Robbins,” “I created this motherfucker standing here.”
When we create, construct or become the person we want to be, it isn’t an accident.
It has to be done deliberately.
1. Determine the virtues you want to have
Benjamin Franklin, Early on in his life he deterimed 13 virtues that he wanted to have or emulate or be.
- Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.”
- “Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.”
- “Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.”
- “Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.”
- “Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.”
- “Industry. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.”
- “Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.”
- “Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.”
- “Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.”
- “Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloths, or habitation.”
- “Tranquility. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.”
- “Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.”
- “Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.”
2. Determine a strategy and tactics to gain the virtue
3. Execute on that strategy and those tactics daily.
10,000 hour rule
Build deliberate exercises that you can practice to become the person you want to be.
Susanne Bargman
Susanne Bargmann is a psychologist, a teacher, and a supervisor in Denmark. She wanted to become a famous singer.
“I should give it a go and see if it was actually possible to improve my singing, improve my voice.
I felt that I wasn’t really improving enough because I didn’t get that big sound that I wanted. And my coach would be cheering for me, and he said, “It’s right about the corner. Just continue.” And then I remember it was summer, and suddenly I was singing, and the sound actually came. And in a song, I was able to make the big sound in a song. And that was a huge jump for me and really, really motivating.
So the next step was to stand in front of others and sing. And that was tough as well. But it was still a big step to move out of the practice room into performing in front of others and creating music.
That I worked on for quite a while.
And I think in that process I realized that the next step would be to start recording.
Guess what happened next. She recorded an album, then released it and it got radio play.
#theselfmasterypodcast
http://freakonomics.com/podcast/peak/
https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/01/health/13-virtues-wisdom-project/index.html
