Jan 05 2024 25 mins
Introduction
How effective are resolutions? Do they work?
Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution.
In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others.
Often New Year’s resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations.
The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come
up with another solution because the first solution didn’t work.
Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to….
However, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change.
These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions.
If resolutions don’t work, what is the solution?
Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution.
Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion.
There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves.
We compare ourselves to others
Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts.
One of the guys in AMG said the social media is “Air B & B” It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging.
Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself.
They are either about being the victim or being the victor.
Illustration - Comparison of finances
People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000
People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy.
We compare ourselves to ourselves.
This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves.
There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future.
Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words ‘more’ and “need to” come into play:
How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or
How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting?
How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape?
How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed?
How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good?
How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual?
How many more dollars do I need to make to be content?
How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful?
How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on.
The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something
We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be. We are always comparing another time other than the present
Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our “perfect” selves.
Such resolutions do not work. So back to the original question, “What is the solution to resolutions?”
The solution is not found in comparison but found in compassion again two types of compassion but in reverse order 1. Compassion for self and 2. Compassion for others.
Compassion for Self
We cannot help but compare that is why we need compassion.
Compassion doesn’t sound very manly, valiant, macho or ballsy when we first say it but if we really stop and think about the word compassion does stir something deep inside of us.
We actually need two types of compassion (present compassion and intentional compassion)
If we give ourselves compassion, we will find that we would not be so hard on ourselves
If we are kind to ourselves, we will have the kind of life we desire.
If we love ourselves, we will find ways to express this love in what we do.
Instead of measuring the results look for ways that are pleasurable expressions.
Transform Obligation To Inspiration
Compassion for Others
Transform Getting into Giving
Just stop for a few seconds here and focus inside on the word ‘compassion’...
(Hesitate for a count of 5)
It stirs something in us doesn’t it. Something inside of me starts to look outward for someone in need.
It is like we are summoning passion. Come passion
Transform getting acknowledged into giving acknowledgment to others.
We can’t give what we don’t have.
If I have compassion for myself, I will have compassion for others. If I love myself and then love others. The key to loving others is to love myself. The key to having compassion for others is to be self-compassionate.
Some would say that this will lead to narcissism. Actually, just the opposite is true because true self compassion and self-love will always overflow into relationships for it cannot be contained. Narcissism is about keeping it all for self. Self-love cannot be contained.
Instead of comparison we realize that we are all fellow strugglers on our own journey.
Conclusion
Compassion is not an arrival point. It is a resolution every day.
Commit to this solution by stating:
I will make commitments that are not about comparisons to others or to my perfect self. Instead, I will live in compassion and self-love. I will give that compassion and love expression to myself and to others. This is the solution to resolutions. It is not about being more or achieving more. It is about giving expression to who I already am.