Freedom from The Purity Culture Half Truths

If you’re anything like me, you grew up knowing that sex was something to be saved for marriage. Maybe you heard it in church, at youth group, from your parents, or maybe it was something just understood. You were told to “save yourself,” and by God’s grace—you did.

But now you’re married. And... what gives?

Why is this thing that’s supposed to be beautiful, powerful, and God-designed... still clouded with guilt? Why does it feel so hard to enjoy? Why does it feel wrong?

Friend, I get it. I was right there with you.

Why Christian Wives Struggle With Sex After Marriage

See, the problem is that many of us were given half-truths about sex. Yes, sex is meant for marriage. That’s clear in Scripture (Matthew 19:5, Hebrews 13:4, and so many others). But what wasn’t clear—what was never really taught—was what happens after the wedding.

We weren’t told that sex could be joyful, playful, passionate, and a gift. We weren’t told that it was meant to be good for you, dear wife—not just your husband. We weren’t told that God is the one who designed our bodies with tens of thousands of pleasure-sensitive nerve endings. That He’s not shocked by desire. He created it.

Instead, many of us internalized the message that sex is shameful, dirty, and something to be tolerated—maybe even resented. And so, we carried that shame right into our marriages.

My Personal Journey From Sexual Shame to Intimacy

I didn’t grow up having “the talk.” There was no open, healthy conversation about sex or my body. What I had was silence, shame, and confusion. I stumbled onto pornography while innocently doing homework one day, and curiosity turned into a struggle I couldn’t shake for many years.

And even though I was a virgin on my wedding night, sex was not what I expected. It was painful—physically and emotionally. My husband and I didn’t know how to understand each other. I assumed if he really loved God, he wouldn’t have so many desires. I didn’t understand that God made him that way—and me, too. But I didn't feel free to receive that truth.

But God brought me on a journey of healing—of discovering what His Word really says. That sex in marriage is good. That it’s for unity. That it’s for mutual joy. That “May you ever be intoxicated with her love” (Proverbs 5:19) is not an embarrassing suggestion—it’s God’s idea.

When Sex Feels Like a Chore Instead of a Gift

Even with this new desire, I still didn’t (and still don’t!) have the same drive as my husband. And often, I would fall into that trap of “duty sex”. Yes, I know what that’s like. I’ve done it. I’ve gone into intimacy just hoping to avoid conflict. But friend, that’s not God’s best. That’s not what He dreamed up when He designed your body or your marriage.

When I engage in intimacy from a place of love and trust, I come out of it refreshed, connected, grounded. Even if I wasn’t “in the mood” at the beginning, choosing to lean in with the right heart often opens the door to real pleasure—real bonding. It’s a spiritual gift.

Are Your Sexual Boundaries From God—or Just Tradition?

One thing that often hindered this connection and desire was the restrictions I put on my own self, but where had these even come from? They weren’t from the Bible. Sometimes, the rules we put on ourselves aren’t in the Bible—they’re just tradition, fear, or misunderstanding.

I want to challenge you to ask: Is this boundary actually from God? Because Scripture gives us boundaries to keep sex holy—but it doesn’t micromanage how you express love with your spouse.

God is not offended by pleasure. He invented it.

Let’s stop walking past the “sunset” He painted for us in this area of our lives. Let’s slow down, take a breath, and receive the beauty.

How to Heal From Sexual Shame and Embrace Freedom

Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a step-by-step path out of shame and into joy. And yes, sometimes that means trying something a little new—changing up the lighting, experimenting with different types of touch, or even using intimacy accessories (yep, I said it!) to help bridge the gap between desire and delight.

And no, not every time has to be earth-shattering. But what if some of the times were breathtaking? What if the oneness and the joy and the laughter and the satisfaction made you say, “Wow, thank you, God”?

Because He deserves that praise. He made you for this. He wants this for you.

Final Thoughts

Sweet sister, I’m so proud of you. You’ve already taken a step by reading this far. Don’t stop now! God made your body for beauty. He made your marriage for joy. And He made sex for you, too.

With love,

Belah & Team

PS - If you want to check out the Pre-Marriage workbooks mentioned in today's episode, check out our Amazon page. All three are available now!

PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
"My faith has grown. I am praying more from my heart in conversation with God instead of sending him my "wishlist" of prayers. I am desiring to read my Bible daily and hear God's message for me and know his direction and leading in my life. I am more playful and fun! Playfulness not only brings me joy and makes me feel "lighter" but I've seen it affect my husband and kids as well. We are a more joy-filled family. Our growth in intimacy is a big celebration. I better understand the freedom God gives a husband and wife in sexual intimacy and so I feel free to be creative, spontaneous, fun, and confident with my husband."