The Biggest Lie About Emotions: What Happiness Costs Us


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Mar 06 2025 28 mins   1

In this episode, I dive into what I believe is the biggest lie we've been sold about emotions. I challenge the glossy magazine version of emotional wellness that tells us strong, successful people have mastered positive thinking and banished all those "negative" emotions.

What I Explore:

  • Beyond the Happiness Trap: I share why our cultural obsession with being happy all the time is actually making us miserable. Research from 2017 confirms what I've learned the hard way: valuing happiness too highly leads to greater disappointment and unhappiness.
  • A Fundamental Shift: I invite you to stop labeling emotions as "positive" or "negative" (which turns them into a moral issue) and instead ask: Is this emotion helpful or unhelpful right now? Is it driving me toward meaningful action?
  • The Power in Discomfort:
    • After my sister died in a preventable accident overseas, my anger wasn't "negative" – it became the fuel for creating change that might save other families from our pain
    • I discuss how courage exists precisely because we feel fear first
    • I share how grief research (including Brené Brown's work) shows our capacity to feel grief deeply directly correlates with our capacity for joy
  • The 50/50 Principle: I explain what my coach Brooke Castillo taught me about accepting that life will be roughly 50% wonderful and 50% difficult – and how embracing this ratio stops us from "suffering about our suffering."
  • Fulfillment vs. Happiness: I reveal what Harvard's longest-running study on adult development discovered: successful people aren't those who experience less pain, but those who've developed the capacity to feel all human emotions without self-judgment.

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