What Are We Doing

This week, we took over a high school homecoming, and let me tell you, after hearing about the DJ disaster they had last year, I knew I had to swoop in and save the day. Last year’s guy played all the wrong songs, capped the night with Mamba—which, I mean, why? So, they canned him and called in the pro (yours truly).

The kids? They had a blast. I’m talking, Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield brought the house down. You know you’ve hit the right note when an entire room of teenagers collectively loses their minds two seconds into a song. Then came Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson, because obviously, you can’t go wrong with early 2000s anthems at a 2024 homecoming. These kids? They get it. Who knew?

But, let’s get to the meat of this episode. We’re in the final stretch, people—the 2024 election is less than 20 days away. And let’s be real, nobody has any idea who they’re voting for. We’ve got Zaddy Trumpets out here spinning his usual “policies” (read: nonsense). He’s supposed to be answering questions at a town hall but ends up playing DJ with his summer playlist while people literally pass out from heat exhaustion. Instead of answering questions like a normal candidate, he’s out here doing the YMCA for 40 minutes straight. I mean, what are we doing?

But the highlight? Trump’s diving into crypto now—yep, you heard me. He’s promoting some sketchy token called “Liberty Financial.” Look, if you’re feeling adventurous, go ahead and dump your entire savings into it, but I wouldn’t recommend it (not financial advice, wink, wink). The best part? You can’t even withdraw your money until the “scheme”—I mean, system—decides you can. Yeah, read the fine print, folks.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk is jumping on the Trump train, donating millions and becoming Trump’s new bestie after they were practically enemies a few weeks ago. Musk is now campaigning in Pennsylvania like he’s the freaking Director of Government Efficiency, which is a real job title Trump invented just for him. Honestly, the whole thing is starting to feel like a crossover episode of The Apprentice and Shark Tank.

And if all that wasn’t enough, we’ve got Ice Cube dropping new music—yes, that Ice Cube. The man who hasn’t rapped in forever decided now is the time. I don’t think anyone’s listening to it, but hey, props to him for trying. Exhibit’s also crawling out of retirement with a new album on a record label run by… wait for it… Conor McGregor. Yes, because when I think “music mogul,” I totally think “MMA fighter.” What are we doing?

Oh, and shoutout to Dasani. They’re back with a new formula—now without salt. Yes, that’s right. The selling point for water is that it finally doesn’t have salt in it. What a groundbreaking concept. Welcome to 2024, people.

That’s it for this week. It’s all a mess, and I’m just here trying to make sense of it. If you haven’t subscribed to the YouTube channel yet, what are you even doing? See you next week for more chaos. Peace!