Jul 20 2024 76 mins
Episode 25 Neuroscientist and owner of Livingwithlimerence.com Dr. Tom Bellamy explains what is happening in the brain when one experiences limerence, what makes it scientifically so difficult to disrupt, and strategies to practice to stop limerence
Tom Bellamy is an academic neuroscientist and Associate Professor at the University of Nottingham in the UK. His research involves studying the fundamental mechanisms of the brain (the nuts and bolts of synaptic signaling), but he also writes about how this fundamental neuroscience can make sense of the experience of limerence. He has blogged at Livingwithlimerence.com for seven years under the pseudonym "Dr L" but has now decided to step out of the shadows with the publication of a new book "Smitten" that summarizes everything he's learned about limerence over the years.
In this episode, (in order) we talked about…
*When limerence can become a dysfunctional behavior
*Limerent Limbo
*Three elements required for a person to fall into limerence: 1) someone who provokes the glimmer in you, 2) some hope for reciprocation and 3) uncertainty
*The statistics on limerence based on a random survey of 1500 people (~60% said they had experienced limerence)
*Why he started writing his blog seven years ago that has now attracted over 120,000 views a month
*Three brain systems that are interrelated: Arousal system, reward system, bonding system
*The disenfranchised grief felt during limerence
*Why he’s skeptical of limerence just stemming from childhood trauma
*Personality traits in LOs (i.e. narcissism, avoidant, dismissive) that might generate uncertainty in a relationship and thus making one more likely to develop limerence
*Mental tasks to get out of the altered state of mind of limerence (undo the reward training, to diminish the strength of the reward that the LO has for you)
*The importance of developing purposeful living goals to give you a sense of hope and optimism re: the future
*What makes people more psychologically vulnerable to limerence (anxious attachment, ADD, unhappiness)
*Why to consciously dismiss the positive anchor memories with you LO and focus on the negative ones
Quotes
“Limerence is an altered state of mind defined by intense romantic infatuation—an intense desire to bond emotionally with this other person that becomes the consuming obsession of your life.”
“It’s not really about desire for an actual person, but how they can play a role in your romantic story. A lot of people aren’t really clear how this person would be able to satisfy this unmet craving.”
“If that state of uncertainty lasts long enough, you can get caught in this altered state of person addiction. Once you’ve passed that point, it’s very difficult to get back.”
“Being happily married isn’t necessarily protection against new limerence.”
“I was having to deal with the cognitive dissonance of deep love for my wife but limerence for someone else.”
“I think it helps when you understand there are predictable ways that these (brain) circuits can be driven into overdrive and result in this altered state.”
Re: social media “The limerents are continually trying to get some kind of feedback from their limerent object but being tortured by this uncertainty. You get into that pattern of behavior where you are constantly seeking reward, but that reward isn’t coming predictably, so you get stuck in that mental trap.”
“How strongly you feel limerent for another person is almost no prediction for how good a long-term partner that person is going to be for you.”
“If your goal is to form a loving relationship, then don’t go for people who cause limerence in you.”
“You do