Welcome To The Suburbs

Here’s a shocker: The wife of a Wisconsin kayaker who faked his own drowning to abandon his family and run off to Eastern Europe is now filing for divorce. Didn’t see that coming, did you? Episode 56 of Welcome to the Suburbs takes a deep dive into Ryan Borgwardt’s ridiculous escape attempt, how authorities tracked him down, and why guys like this make our job easy.

If this is your first time listening, don’t be fooled into thinking we’re a True Crime podcast. No, we just prefer making fun of dumb criminals over solving cases.

But that’s just the beginning…

• Rosslyn Retreat Needs a Jingle – Andy is determined to get Greg to write lyrics for their Airbnb, promising that national recording artist Jimi Ryser will craft the melody. Andy is convinced that once guests hear it, they’ll extend their stay. Greg points out that their first guest asked for two extensions. Andy asks, “Extension cords?” Greg responds, “Yes. She wanted to fake her own death by hanging herself in the bathroom.” Welcome to hospitality. Andy asked if their insurance covered that? Greg said, only liability. If I' there encouraging her to jump, we're covered

Should Greg and Keely Buy a Lake House to Airbnb? – Andy suggests they rent a backhoe and dig their own lake. You know I used a backhoe for my summer job landscaping Eagle Creek Golf Course. At that point the conversation goes off the rails as Greg reveals the other employees were ex-cons from the Haughville neighborhood in Indianapolis. The college kid got his education from former felons.

Every Friday after they were paid, they’d cash their check and drink. After recovering from a crushed pelvis, the result of losing control of a backhoe after drinking, Jim, one of the Haughville gang, got into a knife fight at a party and cut his finger off. His Haughville brethren rushed him to the hospital where it was reattached. As they left the hospital Jim realized it was early enough to go back to the party to finish the fight. “Hold my finger. I’m gunna kick his ass.”

• Fast Food & Worm Burgers – Andy asks Greg if he ever worked in fast food. Nope. But Greg’s brother Tom worked at Wendy’s when the “ground worms in the burgers” rumor was at its peak. This launches Greg into a wild story about worm hunting in Huntsville, Alabama, where his ex-girlfriend’s dad showed him how to summon giant gray worms by banging on the ground near rotten logs. Andy, horrified, asks, “Big like snakes?” Greg, unimpressed, responds, “Snakes come in different sizes. That’s like asking, how long is a ball of string?”
• Speaking of Snakes… – A python in Florida was caught eating a white-tailed deer. Greg wonders if the snake was incredibly fast or just had the reflexes of a center fielder. Either way, Florida stays undefeated in the “What the Hell is Happening” department.
• Turkey Neck Gravy & Andy’s Nausea – When Andy finds out Greg once made gravy out of turkey neck meat, his stomach turns. What was the occasion? What’s Greg’s secret recipe for neck meat gravy? Only one way to find out.

Join us for Episode 56 of Welcome to The Suburbs—where fake deaths, felon wisdom, and fast food horror stories collide!

www.suburbspodcast.com