Good Morning Evildoers

Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and who’s thirsty?

During an audit of the deep storage units in Sector 12, we discovered the remains of one of the most evil projects we ever launched. Oh, that was a good one. Massive media coverage. Psychological destabilization. High-fructose corn syrup. Not to mention the sheer aesthetic offense of the whole thing. 

That’s right. You guessed it. We found several surviving pallets of New Coke! I know! How’s that for a blast from the past? Truly one of our most successful psyops that didn’t involve Freemasons.

Now if you want some of this carbonated contraband — and who could blame you if you do? — we’ll be dividing them up and distributing them to all the breakrooms. First come, first serve, so no more than 4 12-packs per mouth, all right? And only mouths with tastebuds count. No pseudo-orifices or extra-dimensional abdominal portals. Have to save some for the humans among us.

And speaking of humans, bless their singular hearts, I’m so tickled to see you all are having fun with the paranormal YouTubers again.

Officially, Global Synergy Amalgamated’s position is that *cough cough* “We are a multinational company that provides consultation services across a variety of industries, and our social media policy requires employees to uphold the highest standards of professionalism.”

Unofficially? You evildoers are cracking me up! I guess it’s true. We’re evil, not boring.

Surprising no one, I’m especially tickled with the cryptid hunters. And I think it’s rather sweet they’re only trying to get pictures and footprints! Not that they’d have much of a chance against, say, Nessie, but the point stands. It’s sort of lovely.

Sometimes I almost feel bad for them. Sweet little humans. Moving through a world surrounded by hideous forces they could never comprehend. Here we are, a whole world they don’t even know exists, harvesting their brain waves, experimenting on their organs, and occasionally hunting them for sport. Sometimes, just for a moment, I’m even tempted to reevaluate my instinctive prey drive for their tiny little lives…

Of course, then I spend 20 minutes in traffic and I’m ready to kill again. Even we couldn’t have invented the American highway system. They’re so diabolical to each other — why shouldn’t we do the same?

Oh, listen to me nattering on. Got entirely too philosophical today. I haven’t even told you about this week’s lunch and learn! And it’s delightful. Charlotte in the Infernal Chants Department is going to be especially tickled. Should be a packed house in Charnel Hall of Oblivion! I do love that space. Y’know, our engineers optimized it for both evil laughter and audience comprehension. Yeah! That can’t have been easy.

This week, magical anthropologist Professor Sylvia Von Stranglevine is presenting “From the Siberian Ice Maiden to the Russian Mafia: Tattoos, Bodily Reclamation, and Magic.” 

Although, I do wonder if we should have leaned quite so hard into spreading tattoos so we can easily track the herd. Now you know I’m not philosophically opposed to tattoos. Far from it! There is proud, long-standing, evil tradition of bodily modification! I just hate the way they make the meat taste.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!