Feb 14 2025 41 mins 3
Many accomplished women, especially physicians, find themselves drawn to partners with ADHD or those on the autism spectrum.
I know this because I coach them—and because I am one of them.
We feel alone in our relationships, but this dynamic is much much more common than we realize.
This special episode of the Mindful Healers Podcast could also be called Mindful Love: Thriving as a High-Achieving Woman in a Neurodiverse Partnership, Loving Differently, or Mindful Connection: Understanding and Embracing Neurodiverse Love.
Why Are High Achieving Women Drawn to Neurodiverse Relationships?
Complementary strengths and shared values.
High-achieving women move through the world with intensity, juggling responsibilities, making decisions, and navigating pressures. The creativity, presence, and depth of focus that neurodivergent partners bring can feel like a grounding force. These qualities offer a refreshing contrast to the constant motion and planning that define so much of our daily lives.
There is also something deeply reassuring about honesty, loyalty, individuality, pragmatism, acceptance, and transparency—traits often found in neurodivergent partners. Many high-achieving women feel safe in these relationships. They appreciate a partner who supports their ambitions without competition and offers quiet steadiness amid external pressures.
Quite practically, it is also a gift to have a partner who is deeply loyal, supportive, and comfortable in solitude—someone who is content while we pursue demanding careers and long hours of training.
Over time, as careers advance and families grow, the very qualities that once felt like a gift often become sources of frustration.
Differences in executive function, social skills, and emotional expression create tension. Neurodivergent partners rarely not share the same sense of urgency, organization, or efficiency. For those of us who naturally take on the roles of problem solver, planner, and caretaker, the sense of responsibility feels overwhelming.
Our relationships are not broken, however. They do not need to be fixed. They are simply different.
When we release the urge to change our partner and instead shift our own mindset, we open the door to a relationship that is both fulfilling and enduring.
This shift is what has allowed me to experience 40 years of love and partnership with my neurodivergent partner.
It hasn't all been sunshine and roses but once I worked on my habit of fixing and optimizing, and instead leaned into these subtle shifts, our relationship has become much more easeful and rewarding for both of us.
See your partner through a lens of appreciation. Stop wishing they were different and instead recognize the strengths they bring. Focus on what works, rather than what is missing.
Step out of the cycle of frustration. A neurodiverse relationship will never align with traditional expectations, but that does not mean it is flawed. In fact, it could be better. When you reframe your experience, everything changes.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t they just…?” consider, “What would love do?”
Let go of the need to be fully understood. Deep connection is possible, even without complete understanding.
Choose presence over analysis. Choose connection over comprehension.
Honor why you chose this person. You were drawn to them for a reason. Their strengths complement yours in ways that may not have been fully clear at the start. When you acknowledge this, you can move from frustration to gratitude.
Find harmony in your differences. Recognize the ways in which you balance one another. Mark likes to say we have almost no overlapping skills.
Appreciate the honesty, loyalty, and unique ways your neurodivergent partner expresses love. Those who have eaten Mark's food know it is infused with love. My morning cup of coffee is also.
Regulate your own nervous system with mindfulness, deep breaths, and potentially lots of yoga and nature. Before reacting, pause. Create space for stillness, slow, presence and replenishment. This alone will shift the energy within your relationship dramatically.
Adjust your expectations with intention. Your relationship is unique, and it will not look like anyone else’s. Peace comes when we stop resisting what is and instead learn to work with it.
Communicate with compassion.
Show up with an open heart.
See differences as just that—differences, not deficits.
When the feeling of working against one another begins to dissolve, there is more space for ease, appreciation, and connection.
When you connect to the wisdom in your choice, you feel empowered rather than frustrated.
Your relationship just might transform into something truly extraordinary when you stop trying to change your partner, and instead shift how you show up.
These shifts take time, intention, and practice. Changing how we see our relationships requires persistence and a willingness to grow.
This is where coaching becomes invaluable.
I know this firsthand.
Coaching tools are what have allowed me to nurture and sustain a 40-year partnership, to work alongside my husband at Pause & Presence and Nicasio Creek Farm, to transition into an empty nest with grace, and to continue have fun in one another’s company.
I support high-achieving women, particularly physicians, who long to experience more ease and fulfillment in their relationships—whether neurodiverse or not.
Coaching is different from therapy or marriage counseling. The focus is not on changing the relationship itself but on changing how you engage with it.
When you work on yourself, everything shifts.
I support a lot of high-achieving neurotypical women in neurodiverse relationships because this work is powerful. I would love to support you too.
1:1 and/or small group coaching on Zoom and at retreats has improved many marriages and relationships. Even though it may not feel possible right now, there is almost always a way forward that is much more peaceful and expansive.
Coaching is far less costly—emotionally and financially—than divorce.
You and your partner deserve a relationship that feels aligned, fulfilling, and deeply connected.
If in the end, after coaching, you decide that change is necessary, coaching will empower you with the clarity, strength, and compassion to navigate that transition with grace and elegance.
