Just Be Your Bad Self

[00:00:00] Hello, everybody. I felt like talking to you today. So here I am.

I've been having a really hard time getting back to this podcast. I miss it. And I want to come back. But there are so many things blocking me. So. I thought maybe that's what I should talk about. And we're going to get a little bit meta on the podcast [00:01:00] today and talk about the podcast itself. If you've been following me for a while. Thank you for still being here.

It's been a few years since we started this thing and there have been lots of ups and downs and lots of breaks. And if you're still here, you're my favorite.

I want to go back to the roots of why I started this thing in the first place. And then talk about why it's been so hard to keep going, because I think the things I'm facing. Are things we all face as creators as humans. As livers of life. I started this podcast for fun. It was a challenge. I don't think I would have done it without a little nudge from a Facebook group to start a podcast. I did it as a way to face my fears and just talk about the things I care about.

It was for me, it was for fun. I didn't really expect it to grow or be [00:02:00] anything then. Just for fun. Um, And. I want to listen to the way I started this podcast because I haven't listened to it in a while. And I think it's going to be a good reminder. So the audio quality is probably not going to be great because I'm just playing this from my phone. Um, I can't find the original recording, but hopefully you'll be able to understand this.

I was raised in a very perfectionistic religion by two perfectionistic parents.

And as a result of this, I've always taken the business of life. Very seriously. Probably definitely too seriously. The problem with perfectionism is that it doesn't let you be present in your all life or true to yourself. It's all about living up to the expectations of others. Perfectionism is an analyzer, a comparer. It doesn't let you sit within an experience because you're always observing it. So this podcast. Is about. [00:03:00] Letting go of that. Letting go of the perfectionism letting go of the hustle, the guilt, the never enoughness it's about showing up messy. It's about authenticity.

It's about finding magic in the present moment. As about connecting with those you love while also holding space for yourself. It's about living wholeheartedly. And loving yourself in your imperfection. So. It's a quote. My favorite cartoon teacher, Mrs. Frizzle, Ms. Frizzle, not sure which one it is.

I'm going to look it up. After I finished recording this. But she says, get ready to take chances. Make mistakes and get messy. It's time to be your bad self.

Yeah, well, It turns out that's exactly what I'm still struggling with. I, I need to let go of perfectionism still, because that's what has gotten in the way of this podcast. And I think that's probably the life lesson I'm going to keep returning to over and over again. I do, I am doing this podcast because I need to say the things that I need to [00:04:00] hear. And today, once again, I need to hear. It's okay to just be it's okay.

To be messy. It's okay. To make mistakes. Um, Okay. And I'm going to continue to be messy and make mistakes for the rest of my life. So having this expectation of. Perfectionism. It's not doing me. It's not doing me favors. Um, With this podcast. I started out messy as you heard. It was great. And as it started growing. I started to feel this pressure to show up a certain way. To get video recordings of myself, to manage an email list, to maintain a website, to monetize the podcast and the pressure of all of that.

Along with just the stuff that was happening in my regular life became really. Really overwhelming. And the podcast stopped feeling fun because the pressure, there was so much pressure to do it. The right way. I let it fall by the wayside [00:05:00] and, um, and I've really missed it. And part of the reason I'm recording this today is because yesterday, for I painted for the first time in probably over a year. I got up my watercolors and just painted whatever I felt like.

And I feel like painting for me is a portal into my creativity. I've never taken art classes. So my inner critic doesn't know what to say about my painting. It's just a fun thing that makes me happy and I don't expect myself to be good at it. I, I think I lost that joy when it came to this podcast. Um, it started with really low expectations from myself, but as it grew, my expectations. Got higher and the podcast became less fun.

Today. I want to return to the fun of it.

I want to return to the messiness. I want to give myself permission. To show up messy and [00:06:00] imperfect. And maybe this is going to be a boring podcast episode for some of you, but this, uh, I'm doing this for me. Perfection is the enemy of creativity. And this episode is about me dipping my feet back in the river. Getting muddy. Being messy.

Um, another thing. That got in the way of this podcast. And again, I hope you're applying this to your own creative pursuits because I noticed this in a few different areas of my life, especially when it comes to creativity. Um, that another thing that gets in the way is when I start worrying about how. It's going to be received when I start thinking too much about. My audience. I, as I gained listeners to this podcast, I felt pressured to say things for them. Um, to record things in a way. That they liked and. It's tricky because there there's [00:07:00] nothing. Wrong with doing things.

Other people like, I think the trick is.

That you have to do it. For yourself. Um, In a way that. It is still for you. Um, always doing everything hoping someone else will like it. And with, with other people's eyes in mind can really suck the fun and the joy out of creativity. Um, I love my audience, but I will burn out if I'm only doing this podcast. For you.

If I, if there's no reason I'm doing this for myself. And I, I need to return to doing this for me for fun. And a process, my stuff. If it helps others. Actually there's a quote. Um, Elizabeth Gilbert and big magic says you are not required to save the world with your creativity. Your art. Not only doesn't have to be [00:08:00] original.

It also doesn't have to be important. Make your work for your pleasure. If your work ends up helping others. That's great. That's how I feel like I need to go back to doing this for me. If it ends up helping others. That's great. Um,

And I think it's also important to remember that we create not just for the product of what we're creating. But for the process. My retreats, this podcast, my paintings. The whole, just be your bad self idea. These are not about creating perfect products or perfect lives. Uh, there are there about the process, the process of living the process of creating. My friend, Lindy Butler.

She's a recording artist and she's freaking awesome. Um, She, and I were talking recently about AI. Uh, it's an incredible tool. [00:09:00] But it's also scary. It can produce so much. It can produce music, essays, social media posts. Even podcast episodes in seconds. When I discovered it. Uh, about a year and a half ago, almost two years ago.

It.

It put me almost into an existential crisis. And left me wondering. What's the point of me creating if computers. I can do it faster and oftentimes better. I felt so. Irrelevant. And like, I was just putting more words out into a world that didn't need my voice and didn't need whatever I was making, because. AI could make stuff so much faster. Um,

And I think. I really do believe that this is true. That the creation process [00:10:00] is what's important. And I think as AI gets a bit bigger, it's really going to shine a spotlight on how important the process of creating. Is important to us as humans. That's what humanity is. That's what this podcast, my painting. And everything creative. Should focus on is the process over the product. Aye. I don't want to lose the making of things.

I'm coming back to the messy making of this podcast a lot more human. I want to bring the making of things back into my life for myself, if it helps others. That's great. But I need to focus on it for me. The productivity cannot be my goal anymore. Success cannot be measured by numbers or appearances. It has to feel nurturing and fulfilling.

And helps others. This episode is just a dip my feet back in the river to force myself to do it like jumping out of a plane. [00:11:00] This is my version of skydiving.

Uh, One more thing I wanted to say, which is good job, Kimber. I think it's really hard to come back to something after you've categorized yourself as a failure or after you've gone through hard times and stopped something for a while. It takes a lot of strength to come back. It takes courage to get back on the horse after you've been bucked off. In some ways it takes more courage to come back to something you've stopped for a while.

Then to start something new. I have a lot. More shame to work through. I have a lot more disillusionment. Uh, around the. Process and what that looks like that I need to make space for. I know how hard doing this podcast can be, but because it brings me joy, I'm going to make more space for the hard. For my own messiness for my own and consistency and humanness moving forward. And I hope I keep having that strength to come back, even when I'm inconsistent, even when I'm messy.

I [00:12:00] think that as artists. We, we learned that creating things helps us work through our own fear and shame. And again, it's about that process. And I'm going to continue to come back to that process.

Aye. I hope I stay brave. And. Yeah, just keep working through the shadows that come up as a creator. So. Good job me this time for coming back. And if you are doing the same thing or thinking about it, Good job to you. Do it do the thing, the scariest part is facing your own fears and shame. But we can do it.

We can do it. Okay. That is it for today!

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