Dec 18 2024 11 mins
If you’ve ever felt stuck in the push-pull of craving connection but fearing it, or if chaos seems to follow you in your relationships and career, this newsletter is for you. Disorganized attachment, or what I like to call surveillance specialists, impacts many people in ways they might not even realize. For a deeper exploration of disorganized attachment, check out my most recent episode of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy of Mental Health Bites with Dr. Judy (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
In this newsletter, we’ll explore:
* How disorganized attachment develops.
* The ways it impacts relationships, career, and self-confidence.
* A practical tool to help you create calm and resilience.
What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment often develops in childhood in response to inconsistent or frightening caregiving. Imagine being a child whose caregiver is both a source of comfort and a source of fear. This might look like:
* A parent who is loving one moment but harshly critical or aggressive the next.
* A caregiver who neglects emotional needs but unexpectedly demands closeness.
Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation study demonstrated how children with disorganized attachment exhibit conflicted behaviors. They may freeze, appear confused, or approach caregivers hesitantly, unsure whether they’ll receive comfort or punishment.
This unpredictability wires the child’s brain to live in constant fight or flight, scanning for threats even when none are present. While disorganized attachment is often linked to neglect or abuse, it can also result from repeatedly broken trust in non-abusive environments.
How It Affects Adulthood
Disorganized attachment often shapes a person’s inner narrative with deeply ingrained self-statements that impact relationships, career, and personal goals:
* “I deserve to suffer.”
* Leads to tolerating toxic behavior in personal relationships.
* Manifests in the workplace as avoiding opportunities or promotions due to feelings of unworthiness.
* “I hate you, don’t leave me.”
* Reflects a fear of abandonment and anger at closeness.
* Shows up as jealousy, frequent arguments, or "testing" loyalty in romantic relationships.
* “I can’t control my emotions.”
* Results in impulsive decisions, like overreacting to conflicts or quitting a job abruptly.
* “My life is in constant chaos.”
* Creates instability in adulthood, from chronic procrastination to an inability to maintain supportive routines.
In relationships and work life, these patterns can make it difficult to build trust, regulate emotions, and achieve personal goals.
A Practical Tool: Safe Space Visualization
To calm the fight or flight response often triggered by disorganized attachment, I recommend Safe Space Visualization. This exercise can also benefit anyone looking to reduce stress and cultivate resilience.
Here’s how it works:
* Find a Quiet Place:Set aside 5-10 minutes where you won’t be disturbed.
* Deep Breathing:Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, and exhale for 6 counts. This activates your body’s relaxation response.
* Visualize Your Safe Space:Picture a place where you feel completely secure—a cozy room, a serene beach, or even a childhood memory.
* Engage your senses: What do you see, hear, smell, and feel? Imagine the warmth of the sun, the sound of waves, or the softness of a blanket.
* Anchor yourself in the moment: Picture being fully immersed in this space, free from worry or judgment.
* Use Affirmations:Repeat calming phrases like: “I am safe. I am capable. I can handle this moment.”
* Transition Back:Open your eyes slowly and carry the sense of calm into your day.
Why Safe Space Visualization Works
This practice isn’t just for those with disorganized attachment. It can help anyone by:
* Reducing Stress: Lowers cortisol levels, helping you stay relaxed and focused.
* Enhancing Emotional Regulation: Trains your brain to respond calmly to stressors.
* Boosting Resilience: Builds an internal anchor for times of uncertainty.
* Improving Focus and Creativity: Helps reset your mind when thoughts feel scattered.
Your safe space is always available to you, offering calm and clarity whenever you need it. Whether you’re facing a stressful moment or simply want peace, this practice reconnects you with a sense of control and ease.
I’d love to hear how this exercise works for you! Feel free to reply and share your experiences—or any creative twists you’ve added to make it uniquely yours.
Wishing you calm and clarity,
Dr. Judy Ho
P.S. If you found this helpful, share it with someone who could use a little extra peace today!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
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