Mar 05 2025 11 mins
If you struggle with self-doubt, toxic relationship patterns, chronic anxiety, or self-sabotage, your inner child may still be waiting for the support and guidance it did not receive early on.
Maybe you find yourself struggling with follow-through or believing that success is not meant for you. In relationships, you may repeat patterns of clinginess, avoidance, or emotional shutdown. Perhaps there is a persistent inner voice that tells you you are not enough, or you feel emotionally burned out from constantly seeking external validation instead of trusting yourself.
These are all signs that reparenting may be necessary. For more on this topic, check out latest episode of Mental Health Bites (you can listen right here in substack, on Apple, Spotify, or watch on YouTube).
What Is Reparenting and Why Does It Matter?
Attachment theory establishes that early relationships with caregivers shape beliefs about oneself and the world. If you grew up with inconsistent emotional support, harsh criticism, or neglect, your nervous system adapted to operate in survival mode. Over time, this often leads to anxious thoughts, avoidant behaviors, and/or deep self-doubt.
However, it is possible to rewrite the emotional patterns inherited from childhood and become your own source of safety, love, and validation.
Reparenting allows you to:
* Heal insecure attachment so you no longer seek love, validation, or safety from unhealthy sources.
* Break free from childhood wounds that keep you stuck in self-sabotage, fear of abandonment, or unhealthy relationship patterns.
* Build inner security so you trust yourself instead of relying on external validation.
Your Brain Can Reprogram Itself
This may sound like a big undertaking, but thanks to neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to change—you can actually reprogram old emotional patterns, even those formed in childhood.
Reparenting activates new neural pathways that help shift insecure attachment into self-trust and emotional stability. According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, practicing core aspects of reparenting—such as self-compassion and emotional regulation—can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression by up to 40 percent over time.
Reparenting Is More Common Than You Think
Many people, including highly successful individuals, have had to reparent themselves.
Oprah Winfrey has openly discussed how she had to learn to nurture herself emotionally when no one else did. She practices radical self-compassion and has said, “I am my own best friend. The highest honor on Earth is to be yourself and give yourself love.”
Lady Gaga has spoken about her journey with PTSD, fibromyalgia, and the emotional aftermath of sexual assault. While promoting A Star Is Born, she explained how trauma rewires the body and brain, emphasizing that through neuroplasticity, it is possible to undo the effects of past emotional wounds.
How Reparenting Transforms Your Life
Through reparenting, you can:
* Become your own safe space by no longer relying on external reassurance to feel secure.
* Build healthy boundaries by defining what is and is not acceptable in relationships.
* Trust your own decisions rather than second-guessing and seeking outside validation.
* Develop true self-love, recognizing that you are enough even without external approval.
Reparenting is one of the most powerful self-healing tools available. It helps fill emotional gaps, build secure self-esteem, and cultivate lasting inner peace.
To get started, read on to discover a simple way to begin reparenting in your own life.
Reparenting Yourself Through the Encourager Role
Reparenting is about more than recognizing past wounds—it requires actively providing yourself with the love, support, and guidance you may not have received growing up. It means becoming the person you needed when you were younger.
To do this, you must embody the role of the Encourager, one of the Core 3 roles essential for personal growth. The Encourager represents the internal or external voice that affirms, supports, and nurtures you. It is the part of you that says, “I see you. I believe in you. You are worthy just as you are.”
While it is helpful to have people in your life who embody this role—such as trusted friends, mentors, or therapists—the most important step is to become this for yourself. When you take on the Encourager role, you are actively reparenting your inner child by giving yourself what was missing.
The Encourager is not just one type of support—it consists of three specific ways of nurturing yourself. By adopting one or more of these roles, you can provide yourself with the internal stability, motivation, and reassurance that help rewire insecure attachment and cultivate self-trust.
The Three Encourager Types and How to Use Them in Reparenting
* The Grounded Empath – Practice Radical Self-Compassion
* When you make a mistake, pause.
* Instead of self-criticism, ask, “Would I say this to a child I love?”
* Rewrite self-talk: Replace “I’m failing” with “I’m learning, and I’m proud of myself for trying.”
The Grounded Empath provides emotional safety by treating yourself with kindness rather than harsh judgment. If your childhood environment lacked warmth or encouragement, this is the part of you that steps in to fill that gap.
* The Positive Catalyst – Take Small, Brave Actions
* Choose one small action each day that builds confidence.
* Example: If you struggle with self-worth, look in the mirror every morning and say one kind thing about yourself.
The Positive Catalyst is the part of you that pushes you forward when self-doubt creeps in. It acts as the cheerleader and motivator, helping you take small but meaningful steps toward self-trust and personal growth. If you were not encouraged or supported as a child, developing this role for yourself can help rebuild confidence.
* The Nurturing Anchor – Build Rituals of Emotional Safety
* Create a daily self-nurturing habit, such as journaling, meditation, or a self-hug before bed.
* Over time, your nervous system will associate these actions with safety and security.
The Nurturing Anchor provides a sense of stability and predictability. If your early life felt chaotic or emotionally unpredictable, creating structured moments of care for yourself can signal to your brain that you are safe. Developing daily rituals that reinforce emotional security is an essential part of reparenting.
When these Encourager qualities are integrated into daily life, they help create a deep sense of inner safety, self-trust, and emotional security.
Through consistent reparenting, you can become the nurturing, encouraging, and supportive presence you needed as a child. This shift not only improves the relationship with yourself but also enhances every other relationship in your life.
How to Start Your Reparenting Journey
* Listen to the latest episode of Mental Health Bites for a deeper exploration of reparenting and guided exercises.
* Reflect on which Encourager type resonates most with you.
* Share this with someone who might benefit from reparenting and healing their attachment wounds.
The New Rules of Attachment Paperback!
I’m so excited to share that the New Rules of Attachment Paperback was just released on February 11!
Order The New Rules of Attachment here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
Take my Attachment Styles Quiz
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.
Get full access to The New Rules of Attachment at drjudyho.substack.com/subscribe